Joined: 24 Oct 2017
|Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2017 6:59 am Post subject: A VERY long story - but it is my storyy
I am desperate to give this a try, I have no clue where to go with my story, for at this very moment I am overwhelmed with how this experience - that I was made to believe is my life - is unraveling before my eyes. And taking this to anybody that i know, or a professional for that matter, will only raise eyebrows and doubt. And seeing that I do not have a problem with being labeled as "crazy", I do not want to go around kicking cages.
It's a story of an individual who never really fitted in from the start, the evolution of a mind - from rational thinking to spiritual feeling, amateur psychology, psychedelics and other substances, loneliness, love, opening up, wonders and tons of synchronicity. So it could be a long read that will start slow, but it will get to a point where it will get - at it's least - interesting.
Just a few days ago I turned 38, but as it seems I could easily pass as a 25 year old. I live in a middle sized town in Serbia but I was born in the Netherlands where my, then called Yugoslav, parents came to live as guest workers.
I finished my education in the Netherlands and i have worked a variation of jobs - as a cook, security and profiler - even though I dreamed of being a painter during my time at high-school. I was a very shy, socially awkward and quiet kid who was obedient, caring and disliked lying.
My father was, and still is, an alcoholic and my mother was the obedient wife you'd expect to go with an alcoholic narcissist. They worked in the food service business so for most of the time in my early childhood i did not spend that much time with them, other people, mostly family, looked after me and my sister who is five years older than me.
I used to feel very alienated as a teenager and it did not get any better as an adolescent. I never had a girl friend and i usually had one good friend. I did lose my virginity at one point when i was like 19, and i managed to have a one night stand when i was very, very drunk. My flirting with woman was non existent, and every try was a disaster and when i did not try I would notice - usually after a long time, like a year or two - that a girl was flirting with me, or was calling me over to her place. I can now laugh about this period in my life, but for a long time it was the root of all my suffering - and I always felt somewhere that there is a girl who is the right one for me, and vice versa.
I used to come to Serbia every year during summer vacation, and those two to three months were the most memorable moments in my life. I loathed the Netherlands and since I was 20 years old, I wanted to come and live here. As it happened to be I got my chance in June 2009 when, after a long period of time, I mended with my father and he promised me to help me with setting up my own business here. After three months he left me on my own, with not even a sight of me opening my own business and a refueled disappointment in my own father. And at the same time i noticed that the few friends, that were left in this town, that i had, were not interested in the things that i liked to do (drinking in bars, dance, hang out outside of the house... you know... going out and socialize). I used to have bouts of depressions, but that October, when I had my 30th birthday alone at home with no sight of my own small restaurant, I fell into a depression that made me re-question my life.
During these months, from mid October to late December, I was starting to search the internet for a reason why I was, as it seemed at that moment; antisocial, prone to depression, a weirdo, doomed to never have a partner and so on and so on. After looking at all these plausible disorders, like schizophrenia, Bi polar, Narcissistic personality disorder etc. etc., I stumbled upon functioning autism (the famous Aspergers to be precise) and my whole life to that point made sense. I found out that I could go back to Holland and claim disability, and then I could rot away in a pathetic existence with an "excuse" up my sleeve.
Instead, i snapped out of my depression and decided to take a different path, and approach, for life. For the fist time in my life, I started to "misbehave".
I used to drink before, and I had experience with drugs while i was in the Netherlands (one substance known in the club scene opened up the ability to touch other people, and more importantly to handle the touch of other people. And another substance from south american leaves, gave me the opportunity to be more talkative and gave me the, before then unknown, "gift" of chit chat).
New Years eve 2009 on 2010 I started to go out on my own and I started to binge drink. I mean, what did I have to lose anyway. I took a proverbial big "fuck you" approach to existence for the first time in my life (mind you, I used to be an obedient, law abiding, quiet suck up kid all my life, trying to please my parents by behaving as much as I could and trying not to disappoint anyone). That whole year i spent the days drunk, going out, going to concerts and parties, and meeting new people. Even girls. I still was a disaster at flirting and hooking up, but i didn't care as much because I had a cause for that now; autism. I had a friend that was a girl and it turned into a platonic relationship where after a while I just gave up on the fact that I was letting another person "use" me without noticing me as potential BF material and i said to myself that i will not be able to find a girlfriend and instead i should just focus on loose relationships with any woman willing.
Then I met my first girlfriend.
What started as a loose relationship, turned into a five year relationship. This girls was 14 years younger than me, this town is infamous for the fact that every girl that finishes high-school either goes to study in another city, or marries some guy and starts a family. So meeting my girlfriend when i was 31 and she almost 18 is not that of a weird situation as it would be in other places. And I have to remind that I don't look, and definitely don't feel my age (which will later get even weirder). My then girlfriend was an alternative spirit in which I saw a lot of energy. She used to be engaged in sexual relationships since she was 15 and was a little obsessed with it - and seeing that I, till then, was in a way denied that opportunity I was totally fascinated and relaxed to that notion. She used to be a goth/punk type and attended art school, and together with her i picked up my teenage passion of drawing and art. After art school she wanted to go to the university of fine arts, and together we worked on preparing her for the admittance exam. This then led to me the idea of going to Uni together with her and I could, after years of working various unsatisfying jobs, finally do what I always wanted to do; be an artist.
After failing the first time, the next year we both got admitted. Only I was admitted in the prestigious Belgrade university, and she in a different city because she didn't make the list in Belgrade. We agreed that we would each go to our own faculty and after the first year she would transfer to Belgrade. Even before the year started I noticed that she was starting to feel depressed, she gained weight and had a big drop in her - already not so great - self esteem. She already confessed to me early on in our relationship that she had cheated on me multiple times, and she thought that i would go berserk, instead I showed her acceptance - which came as a logical thing to think, because I am not a possessive person. So the logical thing for me, seeing that we would be separated most of the time and that student life is a point in a persons life where one gets to experience a lot of things (and hopefully learn even more than from going to classes), was to suggest an open relationship where we would individually work on our selves so that one day we could bring our new experience into our relationship.
Now at this point in my life I got a boost of self esteem, I had a free minded girlfriend, I was admitted at the best arts Uni in the region and i was living in Belgrade. But at this point the curse of not being able to get laid was back to haunt me. When I started with trying I had the notion in my head that unlike before I now had a relationship, so there was no need to approach it from that angle. So I tried to be nice, an asshole, directly, discreetly but all in vain. In the meantime a hundred or so miles away my girlfriend was successful. Now what bugged me was not the fact that she had so many meets but that she had not even the slightest ability to show me any compassion. And even at one point, when I was desperate because one day i got rejected again for, god only knows, which time, she was unable to show me empathy. I asked her to make some time for me so we could chat on skype so that I could recharge myself emotionally and give thing another go. She said that she was supposed to have a guy over in an hour or so and said that i was being selfish. After explaining to her that i was really feeling like shit she agreed to call the guy off and i proposed to get the first bus that evening and take the three hour drive to her place so that we could spend the night together. Three hours I thought positive thoughts about how thing will be okay and that this is just a bump. When i arrived she opened the door naked and with cuts all over her body.
I had a breakdown.
Somewhat before that moment, we both got to know a girl in the town where we both were from. And now is the moment where things are getting unacceptable for most people, and I am truly sorry if my story is disturbing for some readers... but this is what happened and it is a part of the experience I call my life.
This girl at that time was 14 years of age. She and my girlfriend became something like girlfriends, they got into a relationship. This girl was already sexually active for a year and a half and she was trying her best to get to as many guys as was possible. We got together at one point and had intercourse, and the three of us spent that new year together at my place.
I dropped out from the University - because my girlfriend was not admitted again in the second year, and because I got to feel extremely lonely there because again I could not find friends in a big city, just like in Holland - and I moved back to my town where I got studio where I would work. The girl and I became friends then, really good friends. I got to know that she came from a broken home, and that she didn't stay neither with her father nor with her mother who got remarried and got a new family. She told me she was raped at the age of 12 and that she ran away from home a year later because of her abusive mother. They found her after a few weeks in Belgrade and after she got admitted to a psychiatric ward they found various kinds of drugs in her system. That she was diagnosed with PTSD, schizophrenia and bulimia and that she saw my girlfriend as a role-model. Then one day a friend of hers, and my girlfriends younger brothers best friend, committed suicide at age 18 - which she took really badly (supposedly they were supposed to hook up, but stayed friends and they swore a pact that they would commit suicide together one day)
Hearing all this i could not not notice that here there was a child in front of me who was radiating such an energy that was so much more mature. And seeing through all the teenage angst and attention seeking she was not that crazy nor that unintelligent as she tended to behave. And as the days went by she opened up even more to me and I towards her.
She showed to be a talented person, drawing, singing, acting, writing. And i helped to get ready for art school because her parents weren't giving her the funds to pay a tutor. I even drove her a couple of times to a town near ours where she chose to apply (she had a boyfriend there - some singer in a punk band like six or so years younger than me). I gave the fullest support because she deserved some kind of "normality" seeing the people she used to hang out with and the "boyfriends" she chose.
I mean we did drink and we did take narcotics, I thought that she was going to do all that stuff anyway so why not join her and be there with her when she does all that stuff. Also i have a very strong opinion that drugs, if taken at all, should be used to see what their effect on your perception is and that one should use this to work on their self - their person.
But i noticed also that when she was with me that she lost all the desire to misbehave and that she enjoyed my company for its "normal" feel. She went to school regularly instead of being the truant she was, told me her good grades with pride and was blooming by the day. Except for the 28th of the month... the date that her friend jumped of the bridge.
I for the first time in a long time felt an emotion i haven't felt since a long long time... that in love feeling you have as a teenager. And I told my girlfriend that, I told her that i had fallen in love and with that i have noticed what a fabulous ego trip it is and that it has no foot hold in reality. I'ts purely an internal illusion. She only heard the words "i have fallen in love" and the rest I said was muted. She later confessed that she was jealous...
When drinking coffee one day with the then 15 year old girl, she mentioned to me; "I have been accepted to the school of my choice, I am singing in a band, I have a boyfriend, a girlfriend, you and I are going to go to festivals and I have the best friends. This summer is going to awesome". And saying that her facial expression changed and she became silent. Seven days later she had cheated on her boyfriend who she was singing with who broke up with her after finding out, broke up with my girlfriend and got me to get in a fight which separated us.
Now this is the moment that my life has taken a turn.
I got back to doing my thing, i painted, saw my girlfriend now and then and started to think about what happened in a time-span of six months. I asked myself what was that that I had such an intense relationship with a person who is 21 years younger. who could have been my daughter... I started to read Jung and I found that she had touched a part of my subconscious. At that time I thought it was my Anima and I accepted the whole thing as a life lesson.
Meanwhile Jung somehow got me back to one of my old interests; Buddhism. and I thought, what the hell, I might as well start chanting mantras... meditate etc. Things went on and Hinduism caught my attention so I started to soak up all these, for me, new ideas. And gradually it started to make some kind of sense to me. My girlfriend did not want to have any of this new interest of mine and was openly suspicious of it all. A few months later, after five years, we broke up. I asked her one day over the phone if she could imagine that she could be evil, and she fell into a tantrum and said that she was not evil. I repeated that i did not ask her if she thought that she was evil but if she could imagine the possibility. she continued to rant that she always had the best intentions and that i was expecting to much and in the end she said "you know what? Maybe it is better if we brake up." And that was it... I was baffled that that was all it took. Mind you, I have said to her at one point in the first half of our relationship that I was not going to be the one to break up with her, because i have noticed that she had a fear of abandonment, and that i wanted her to know that i accepted her and her doings because it all is a part of personal growth. But all it took was a hypothetical question.
I continued to throw myself into Hindu theology and i chanted, meditated and listened to Alan Watts.
One day late February 2016 i got a message. It was from the young girl. She said she didn't want to fight anymore (sic. we, by then, did not have any contact for more than six months) and that she just wanted to know how I was doing and how my folks were. We agreed to have coffee some day and chat and one day we did meet. I was skeptical of her intents and I already had found a new group of friends so i wasn't that desperate to give our friendship a fresh boost.
It turned out that we, in parallel, happened to find an interest in the mystical. Hinduism in general, mantras, songs etc. I thought "what a nice coincidence" and just dismissed it as such. In time we bumped into each other a few times and chatted, and, in retrospective, moved closer towards each other every time we happened to meet. First we sat opposite of each other, then next to each other and then against each other and we were touching and laughing away like before. But still I thought i should keep a distance.
As it happened the both of us had heard of a gathering and separately decided to go. When we found out that we were both going, we decided to go together. I thought we would travel together and once there i would help her put up her tent and I would find my own place somewhere else and see what that hippie gathering is all about.
So one day in early June 2016 we met at the bus station, where her then boyfriend (who hated my guts) dropped her off. we boarded the bus and started our trip to the Rainbow Family gathering.
During the 6 plus hours trip to the gathering site we just rocketed back to our relationship prior to the fight we had a year before. By now she basically lay in my lap yapping away about this and that. And we were both curious about the people we would encounter in the next few days. She was supposed to stay up to four days, because her boyfriend disliked the whole notion of her going to such a place. I had planned to stay the whole month.
When we arrived she told me that she had cheated on her boyfriend, by then they were together for eight months. She cheated on him in January and Could not help but notice that that the first time it happened it was a year after her friend committed suicide and that she did it with that friends sisters boyfriend. I did not mention it immediately seeing that she felt guilty already and that she wanted to make it up with her boyfriend by staying monogamous. Instead i explained to her that she should expect a lot of opposition and distrust from him because his feelings are hurt, and that she should be very patient with him... and in time wounds could and would heal. I then thought that at the first sight of a guy with dreadlocks she would immediately digress in her old habit, but instead she behaved faithfully all the time. I then noticed that people at the gathering were under the impression that the two of us were a couple (or in a case or two husband and wife). I did feel that love had reared its head in me.
she liked it so much that she decided to stay for two more days and after calling her boyfriend to tell him this, things started to go downhill... FAST.
He spammed her with calls and messages and accused her of f***ing around. He told her that she was a whore, that he was going to break up and so on. I could not but notice that she was holding her ground and that she was trying her honest best to calm the situation down, But he would not have any of it. That night i still hadn't gone to sleep and at about 2 or 3 am she jumped out of her tent and frantically claimed that she had to go somewhere. so I suggested that we should walk to the nearby village which was an hours walk through the forest. At some point her boyfriend called her, drunk as hell, and said that they had broken up. We found the village bar, still working at the ungodly hour of 4 am, and had a two drinks (we were on a 5 day vegan diet so those drinks got us really drunk). On our way back to the camp we had a nap under a young walnut tree and when the cold woke me up after half an hour i suggested that we go back to the camp. She asked me if I would sleep next to her in her tent, I agreed and we fell asleep. In the morning she noticed that she received a message on her phone which was sent by her boyfriends mother, how he tried to slit his wrists that night and that she need not worry because he was at the hospital alive and well.
She started screaming to anybody near her who tried to talk some sense or anybody who tried to calm her down. She demanded that she had to go home at any cost, that she wanted to be at his side... that she NEEDED to be there for him. At one point she found a ride to the train station and packed her stuff and left, only to return after an hour with the guy who took her to the station and some other guys - and one of those guys had her total attention. She told me that she missed the train and after that I was ignored by her. And to make things worse i was drugged by some tranquilizer i took of some guy because my mood had turned with hers. The next day she left to go home, not after spending the whole day and night with that one guy. Afterwards i heard that despite her claim, that she missed the train, she after meeting this one guy on the platform hesitated to board the train and that she decided to stay one more day.
That evening the whole of nature turned against me. For the first time in six nights I could feel every pebble and twig under my tent, i could feel every insect biting me and at one point something crawled in my beard and bit me on the go while i was trying to get it out. the next morning I packed half my stuff and I started to hike back home. I felt like i could feel the evil and I just wanted to hike it off. After walking for a day and hitchhiking for another I finally came home. The morning after I arrived she went back to the gathering to stay for the whole run. I got to stay for a couple of days and instead of me she stayed the whole gathering. and after three weeks she returned and told me how it was fantastic and magical and so on. I just thought to myself; "I wish I could have experienced it too, but it seems that I can somehow sense these energies and that i can take them away. So it's all for the better good".
That is when I started to notice the next things:
I am a person of good luck. when by myself I rarely get into situations of
true bad luck. More than that, despite all Evil I have something that I can only define is of the Good.
I am a healthy person, really healthy. I have never been in a hospital and the only two time I was, one was an operation (torsio testis) and the second was an unnecessary operation of the knee. I cannot recall being sick apart from the flue and the occasional cold. In the last ten years not even that.
Every situation that could have turned bad didn't. I have been shown guns, knives and people have threatened me. But I have always somehow calmed the situation down. And the thing is, it just happened naturally.
During the next few months i told myself to listen more to my intuition, and this is the time i started to notice a lot of things.
In the meantime, my young friends now ex boyfriend started to stalk her. She worked at a small bar near my art studio as a bartender/waitress. It was her summer job and she enjoyed the obligation it gave her. Her ex was coming over every evening and was messaging her and threatening her. By now she had a new fling with some guy i knew and me and her were hanging out a lot again. One night she came over and while on E she talked to me and she confessed that she had thought about the two of us getting together, but that she only concluded; not now. This triggered my feelings towards her, which i have admitted that i had for a while, but of which i thought that she did not accept. Also she apologized for everything she did that did and could have hurt me. I have to add that my ex, and only girlfriend, never could do this, and instead always found a way to talk her way out. all this made me feel that i bonded with this girl, by now 16, but still 21 years younger than me.
Then one night she sends me a text message; her ex had stabbed a guy I know well and slashed my friends arm... at the bar where she worked. I had been there that evening, saw her ex, but I had a feeling i shouldn't stay there and seeing that it was a Friday night, and that it was full of people i knew that my presence was not needed. I jumped up, put on my shoes and rushed to the hospital. While passing the bar in the alley, and seeing all the blood on the ground, I realized that with the amount of hatred that ex of hers felt to me it would have been my blood there on the ground. At the hospital I came to know that both my friends were okay and that the ex was under arrest. I met with her and escorted her to her grandparents place. Then at 5 am I helped the owner of the bar to clean up the blood.
My young friend, who by now i started to see more and more as the love of my life, dumped the fling after a week or three and got back together with a different fling she had the year before, before she got together and moved in with her stabber ex. We were by now in full contact, seeing each other almost all the time except for the few times she didn't sleep over at my place. By this time I, feeling the need to do good for the greater Good, regained contact with my ex, we were going to be friends from now on. And the three of us felt that we were together as friends at least.
During this time I stumbled on the term twin flame and, just as with Aspergers, everything started to make sense to me again. I have found that what I knew and that I felt was out there. The perfect person for me. I was the chaser and she the runner. I was overwhelmed with joy, even though i knew somewhere that I, no, WE had a long way to go. And if not in this life, then in the next one. I was just ecstatic that I found her. I told my ex about this and she was skeptic, but she did acknowledge that she was fascinated by the level of energy me and my young friend have... that we clicked so well. And I started to notice many things, some silly, some far fetched but still things we had in common or that were, to put it at least, interesting in a mystical, spiritual way.
The age difference 21, three 7's, 3
Both our names, though from different language families have the same meaning; Peace.
Our likes and dislikes are not the same, but overlap to a point that i have never experienced with anybody else.
When in each others presence, what ever is being done just flows. Be it drawing, painting, sculpting, writing, studying... basically any creative process.
There were confessions of our importance to each other, although when drunk or high.
And the fact that everybody except for her is convinced that we are a couple.
Now more thing have happened in the last year. in a few weeks it will be three years since we have met. But most of it is basically the same, it just goes in cycles. At this very moment of writing this I am being ignored by her for the last three months. I have spent the whole summer doing acid on a regular basis. It is the only substance that I have stayed away from for a long long time. But last year i got the feeling that that was the way i had to go. And after half a year I finally got the opportunity. To make things more interesting, through her it was made possible. I knew that I had to propose a question, and I asked "myself what is this that is happening, who am I?" after more than three months intensive tripping i have finally reached a point that I should be satisfied with, but that i cannot be satisfied with. With all the encounters with paradoxes, time warps and time loops, and after demanding to see the worst of the worst I am left humbled to a point and desperately insecure. The worst almost pushed me towards suicide, the paradoxes have showed me that i can only know that i don't know. I have seen the Evil in my ex that i asked about. She played me and now she and one I love are together and I am being ignored. I am ostracized by them, my family and any friends that i still have. I have noticed that the bulk of people are guided by an ignorant force, call it the Ego, call it asleep, call it unconsciousness... I just see the games that are being played. I feel only connected to a higher force if you will. To beings that are somewhere. I believe in dimensions and entities now. I was a rationalist for most of my life, but this story has shattered my previous view of the world... and universe for that matter.
and the icing on the cake, the reason i have written this, oh so long and oh so extended story - and I am truly thankful to you who has taken the time to read the words from my mind, for there are not many in my surrounding who are willing or who are able to hear my truth, my viewpoint of existence - the reason is the next anecdote:
After a month or two of radio silence I have written my young friend, my love, again for the first time. I tried to explain what happened to me in the last three months and that i realized that i was on my own individual quest of my own psyche... That I have come to recognize archetypes i suspected to have had, and that I got to see some that I never knew I had. That the whole experience has humbled me and that i only want to do the only thing I know I am able to do well is to Create, Love and Spread Good energy. And that I, even though I want nothing else than to be with her, i think that we should not meet... not until i have made peace with myself. For I have realized that it's not that we are in an argument with each other, but that we are with our selves.
I feel that I have somewhat contacted a guiding spirit, a guardian angel if you will. During my summer marathon trip i started to notice feathers on the road. and if i followed them in the direction they pointed I would run into her. If i whispered my wishes in them I got them somewhat fulfilled - I mean I was approaching it with somewhat disbelieve or doubt so i didn't ask any concrete things. Then one day i woke up and found a pure white feather underneath me. I just felt that it had meaning and I the feather to my bag which i carry with me at all times. Then it dawned at me, they are dove feathers... Peace. Miroslav - Irina.
And i kept writing her, but still only silence. On my birthday I woke up and i decided to hang myself - the ONE thing i have promised her that i would never do... not after what she has been through. I even wrote it on a small piece of paper
"I love you more than eating bread, no.. more than doing Oxy, I promise you that I will never end my own life.So I give my life to you, to keep it safe."
she carries it with her in her wallet.
I noticed that the door knob is too low and i stormed out of the studio to walk and think of an alternative. And then i started writing her again, texting my thoughts but not mentioning what I wanted to do. After a wall of text and an hour or six, she only sent me a message saying: "happy birthday "
I had mixed feelings and I just couldn't handle it. At one point I want to give her room to find her inner conflict so that she can come at peace with it, just as I am aware that I have to do the same with myself. But I am very impatient and very insecure after everything. And even after mentioning this i still get not a single word.
All this goes on for four days and then last Monday, after trying to get a single word from her I decide to give up. I am sitting at a board game club, and while I am watching my acquaintances play and have fun I get up and start walking home. I had convinced myself that I have lost it, the opportunity to be with her and the will to live a confusing life like this one. As I walk i have to pass the building she lives at now with her boyfriend/fling before her stabber ex... and suddenly a cat appears in front of me. The cat blocks my path, I smile and tell the cat something like; "aw kitty, do not try to persuade me. I know you animals have always shown me love, and accepted my love, unlike these creatures known as humans." I bend over to pet her and she starts to climb my leg. I take her of my leg and put her back on the ground and try to move on. But on every try of mine to make a step, she leans on my leg trying to step out. Again i bend over to pet her, and this time she climbs up my leg into my arms, and starts to purr and cuddle with me in my beard and face. And then I realize:
This is HER cat!
I text her, asking if her cat has escaped, because a cat that looks kinda like hers just jumped me out of the blue... starting to doubt even this moment, thinking what an idiot i am... thinking this stray cat is hers. No answer. I Find a place by her building to sit and i am cuddling this cat and trying to take a picture. I send her the picture and she finally answers me. It is!
I tell her that we are in front of the building and she replies that shes out of town. I tell her that i will take the cat with me to my studio, thinking that she wont be back until tomorrow. After a few moments she asks me if she can come over to take the cat. of-course I reply. after an hour she finally comes over, she does not want to enter, she takes the cat with tears in her eyes. I ask her how long has the cat been missing. three months she says. I realize... three months ago our relationship went to shit. When we were at the festival she adds. We both went separately to a psy trance festival. Now i figured out that that day that the cat went missing was exactly 4 days after new moon. She jumped me exactly 4 days after new moon. She thanked me and left.
I just couldn't handle it no more, too much coincidence for me, too much unclear synchronicity for me. I text her where I admit my intentions for that evening, that I had decided to die, that not just any cat, but her cat appeared out of nowhere. That I am alive because of that cat. That the whole day i wanted nothing more than a glimpse of her, the sound of her voice. That I am overwhelmed and sorry for the whole rant. and still no response
radio silence again.
And i don't know a single thing anymore, just that this is a weird and fantastic ride. and I hope. If not in this life, maybe in the next one... or the one after that... or the one after that.
Ina volim te